An Open Letter to Emma Watson: Tips for Surviving Oxford Post-Brown

Dear Emma,

Congratulations! You are now an Oxford University student, and if Hermione had taken any further interest in the Muggle world after the owl had dropped off the Hogwarts entrance letter to her surely stunned parents when she was 11 then she would have been so proud of you.

Sadly, I understand that education for young wizards and witches post-Hogwarts is rather limited and that marriage to ones high school sweetheart is typically expected. So, even though it must suck a little bit to play a cool, smart, fearless witch by day and go back to your muggle, paparizzi’d, everyone-calls-you-Hermione-all-the-time life by night, at least you know there’s a chance you didn’t just peak at 17.

I mean, what do you DO after you’ve traveled as a nomad with your hunky ginger boyfriend and Jesus-figure best friend, and destroyed horcruxes, and helped save the world from the most evil, ugly wizard villain of all time—all by the age of 17? It’s all downhill from there, am I right? No Ivy League education for our dear, intellectual Hermione, and probably no $24 million (in goblin gold) in Gringott’s Bank, either. Do you think Hermione tried to make a few bob by writing a tell-all book about the nights of longing on their travels across the UK? Would David Yates hire you to play Emma Watson playing Hermione in the movie version of the TV adaptation of Hermione’s memoir, like when Colin Firth played Mark Darcy in the Bridget Jones movies? Does your head hurt now too? Good, because it’s all preparing you for the deep-thinking, philosophical world of Oxford University.

I spent six months at an American college and had a bit of a culture shock when I returned to my British university. Here are a few tips to you, from me. I hope they’re helpful to you, Emma!

• We don’t play beer pong in the UK. At least, we didn’t six years ago, when I was still a student. Maybe they do now, with the ever-increasing pervasiveness of American culture. But probably not. We Brits, you’ll discover, prefer to just sit around and drink—we don’t want to work for it.
• BUT—and I know you’ve probably forgotten this, since I’m sure you totally obeyed 100% the 21-and-over drinking age limit in the States—in the UK it is legal to imbibe a pint or two (or 30, if you’ve got a few hours to spare) once you hit 18. And as millions of pervy men who, beginning somewhere in the middle of The Prisoner of Azkaban, were anxiously awaiting that day all know, you’ve been 18 and legal for a few years now! Congratulations (to you, not them)!
• And of course, now that you’re back in the UK, you don’t even need to worry about the medical bills should something go awry around pint number 26.
• I’m not really obsessed with alcohol. I don’t even drink very much ever at all. I just know you’re young and you feel invincible. But you seem like a sensible girl. Like Hermione!
• American college is really just a more grown up boarding school. You endure weekly tests, and Resident Advisors, and math class. But you’ll be thrilled to know that British uni is basically a working holiday, where no one cares when you come and go, you only study for your major, and exams come just once a semester. It is extremely liberating, though needs you to maintain a level of self-motivation. You’ll be fine. (I was fine too, but my proclivity towards procrastination gave me a few more panic attacks around exam time than you’ll have to suffer, I’m sure.)
• It’s time to quit that six-Starbucks-a-day habit that all American students have. Get back to your Tetley tea and Digestive biscuits. It’s what JK Rowling would want for you.
• Uni boys in the UK are just as immature as college boys in the US. Best stick with famous musicians for now. Why didn’t I think of that at the time?!

That’s all I can think of for now, Emma. Please forgive my brevity—it’s been over five years since I graduated and my brain is addled by the 8-5 lifestyle, something you’ll never have to experience thanks to playing Hermione for a decade. I don’t begrudge you this; I’m just excited to see someone who is super rich and super famous actually value an education instead of being content to just visit nail salons and store openings and the Playboy Mansion for the rest of their 20s.

Best of luck to you, lass!

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