Who’d Win in a Fight Between Joan of Arc and Queen Elizabeth I?

In my ongoing quest to make my life as complicated as possible, I recently gave my iPod a total makeover, changing the names of my most of my playlists. To names of historical women. I can’t claim credit for this, the most hipster thing I shall ever do in my life; a few weeks ago my bestie informed me that the gangster rap playlist she had assembled and was then playing in her car had been titled “Margaret Thatcher.” I thought: I pick my friends well, because this girl is a freakin’ genius.

So a couple of days ago I turned to my old, weary iTunes collection and looked mournfully at some of my tired playlist titles, such as “divas,” “business we call show,” “blues,” and “mellow,” among others. Yawn. So lacking in flair, and creativity, and intellectual superiority. The time had come to outright steal my BFF’s idea. Here’s an example of what I did:

Yes, I know Marilyn Monroe is in there twice. That's how significant she was, ok? Forget that Iron Lady almost-ran.

Turns out, though, that the new collection is lacking a little something I’ll call re-memorability, since I now spend as much time trying to remember what each playlist actually contains as I did ransacking my feeble brain to think up appropriately significant historical ladies.

Anyway, to address the title question, “Joan of Arc” has replaced “divas” and “Queen Elizabeth I” has replaced “power mix.” Since a fair chunk of Joan of Arc is taken up with belters from the decidedly un-badass divas Celine Dion and Mariah Carey, and Queen Elizabeth I is choc full of bonafide 80s power tunes (like You’re the Voice and Carry on Wayward Son), I’m going to say good ol’ Bessie wins for sheer badassery.

And for sheer hair and mustache power

Plus, Queen Elizabeth I ruled an empire and if she didn’t like you she would order your head be chopped off, whereas poor Joan died tied to a stake, burnt to death.* Now, it is most definitely badass to die for your beliefs. But… Mariah Carey…

And to anyone who cares, he’s a breakdown of the new playlists, almost without explanation:

• Anne Boleyn – songs with “rain” in the title, re: my recent Facebook status (Discovery: I love songs with “rain” in the title. Set Fire to the Rain, Purple Rain, Rain Over Me, Red Rain, Rainy Day Women, Dry the Rain, Rain Is a Good Thing. Is it because I grew up in England?”)
• Calamity Jane – country mix
• Carmen – Carmen, by Bizet
• Condie Rice – “American” songs created for a July 4 roadtrip
• Florence Nightingale – mellow mix
• Jane Austen – classical
• Joan of Arc – divas
• Margaret Thatcher – gangsta rap (of course)
• Marie Antoinette – dance tunes with heavy emphasis on the 80s
• Marilyn Monroe – showbiz/musicals
• Marilyn Monroe – a sad, empty playlist that has been deleted since the photo was taken
• Mary Todd Lincoln – melancholia
• Queen Elizabeth I – power mix
• Queen Elizabeth II – best of British
• Zelda Fitzgerald – eras long gone (pre-50s mix)

PS. It’s possible this is the most pointless blog post to have ever been posted to the Internet. You’re welcome!

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* GROSS HISTORY 101: I just read the Wikipedia entry on “Death by burning.” Apparently a “skillfully” applied execution would culminate in “finally death when the skull exploded.” First of all, that’s finally?! How bad does it have to be before your skull exploding brings the sweet release of death?! (Answer: the condemned’s body would burn progressively in the following sequence: calves, thighs and hands, torso and forearms, breasts, upper chest, face; and then finally death when the skull exploded.) Second of all, I’m no scientist, but I can’t think of a single reason why your head would explode in this situation. So to any scientists reading, please feel free to explain in the comments, while I go hug a puppy to recover from the idea of exploding heads.

 

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