So, your little brother’s getting married?

The Do’s and Don’t's of Preparing for a Family Wedding

So you’re two years old, you’re going about your life, minding your own business, playing with your toys and lapping up the attention of your parents/grandparents/adoring public. When all of a sudden, those adoring parents go and RUIN YOUR LIFE by bringing home this 8lb meatloaf that cries all night and takes away their attention and they’re all, like, confused that you’re not excited about it.

"But, darling parents, WHY can't I gobble him down and make him disappear, like Cronus?" - me, trying to win them over with my far superior intellect

But eventually, he wins you over with his own brand of adorability, which may or may not be big sister code for “becomes professional scapegoat for big sister’s mischief.”

But also, this picture. Awww.

So you grow up, your brother becomes an actual person and not just a punching bag, and then one day, in your mid-to-late 20′s (no specifics, it’s rude to ask), your brother calls you from a windy park in Kentucky to tell you he’s just proposed to his lovely girlfriend. And they’re getting married in just a few months time!

Double awww. Twice the cute, twice the fun.

So, without further ado, here are my Do’s and Don’t's of Preparing for a Family Wedding:

DON’T: 

Buy a bridesmaids dress a size too small, thinking you’ll magically lose 20lbs before the wedding.

This probably seems obvious to every rational person out there, with or without body issues. No matter how much you think you can live with righteous hunger for three months and just eat salad three times a day, in reality you will cave in to every baked good brought to the office, to every glass of wine offered at a friend’s house, and to every napping opportunity after a long day at work (instead of working out).

Beat yourself up about your younger sibling getting hitched first.

Just remember: going stag to a wedding = hello groomsmen (or bridesmaid, if you are one of them there men/lesbians)! Or at the very least, hello nice barman with the tasty Gin and Tonics.

Get jealous of the registry.

Sure, it’d be nice to get your place tricked out with stuff you didn’t have to buy…but for every gift they receive, the bride and groom have to write a thank you note. And just remember how rubbish you are (I presume) at writing letters the old fashioned way. I bet your Old Aunt Ethel is still waiting for a thank you for those socks she got you for Christmas ’95.

DO:

Get a spray tan to hide your pale, English skin.

This might just be relevant to me. After a recommendation from a friend, I’ll be checking out this place in Santa Monica sometime next month, with plenty of time to find the right subtle shade.

Temper your excitable mother.

This is definitely not just relevant to me. I find the best method to stop her from getting too excitable (and too frustrating to the engaged couple) is to distract her with erratic behavior of your own. Get a tattoo, disappear yourself for a few days, start dating a Hells Angel, whatever, it doesn’t matter.

Practice your dance moves.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed the trend, but folks don’t just walk down or up the aisle anymore.

$%^#!, this video has 68.5 MILLION views on youtube! Mind. Blown.

When the time comes, it’s quite possible that you will be peer-pressured into box-steppin’ and moonwalkin’ your way up that stretch of space. Now, I love dancing as much as the next person. It’s just that I usually need a little pre-dance “sun”shine and “frown”juice (in opposite world) to get me going, which isn’t usually a pre-wedding option in polite Southern society. So, if you’re like me, the next best thing is to either apparate yourself outta dodge, or get practicing, so you look less like this…

Though I will "pass out" "accidentally" if James Marsden shows up to my bro's wedding

…and more like my joyous friends on their beautiful California wedding day last January:

Photography by Nathan Morgan Please visit www.nathanmorgan.com for inquiries © 2011 Nathan Morgan

And the final “do” – Be excited to get a new sister (in law)!

This is a win-win. You get a sister and fellow female ally at family functions, without all the teenage screaming matches, clothes stealing, and oneupmanship of an actual blood sister. Yay!

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